A Confession for a Cat.

 I was going to just go to sleep and deal with this tomorrow, but let's be honest, that's not happening.

Earlier I found out some terrible news, albeit in the best way possible, that I was going to try to drown out with Netflix until I fell asleep. That's not going to work for me it seems, because I'm absolutely enraged at the world right now. One of the stray cats that Jenn and I take care of was struck by some asshole in a car like it was nothing. And to them it was nothing.

But to me?

I feel terrible.

It's things like this that make me sure god isn't real.

And worst of all?

I feel responsible.

A cat is dead. A loving, funny, perfectly trainable cat, just like the cats you might have at home. I invested so much time and effort into trying to save these cats, to socialize them so they could maybe get homes. We went as far as taking the two nicest ones into our home during the winter, and couldn't imagine parting with them now. I continued to feed the remaining two cats every single day, no matter what. I stood out in that alley holding an umbrella over them so they could eat. I was really fucking invested.

You see, that was the problem.

I had taught them that they were safe there.

That there was food and shelter.

I protected them.

And I did it too well.

I kept them safe from cars. I sat outside coaxing them out from parked cars in the dead of winter. I made sure they didn't run across the street at the wrong time. They didn't really learn certain things on their own because of that. One was still just on that verge of being a house cat, but we can't have another cat. It just wouldn't of worked.

But there was a solution.

There usually is.

What about a no-kill shelter?

Perfect.

I'll get right on top of that.

I didn't though. I loved those cats, and we'd been taking care of them for eight months. Everyday. Like the Postal Service. How could you not get attached? It's impossible. So, I was selfish.

I left them in a dangerous situation.

In the back of my mind I always knew this could happen.

I just never thought it would.

I could have helped more.

Maybe I could of saved all of them.

Maybe not. I don't know. I just know that I could have done just a little more. I know I can't save everything, and nor do I try. There's nothing to say about it except for that I let my emotions cloud my decisions.

And because of that?

A cat is dead.

No, I didn't steer that car.

Yes, I still feel at fault.

Consider this my confession.